Transcript

TCP Episode 017

Mon, Feb 1, 2023 PM 

SPEAKERS

Linda McConnell and  Zack McConnell

Hi, welcome to the Christian Point with Zack and Linda, today we’re going to be talking about how to get on the same page when you both feel like you’re 100%. Right? So that is something to think about. And we know we’ve anybody who’s been married for any amount of time. And we of course, have been married for 37 years. So that’s a long time. And so we would consider ourselves more in the season category. I
like that word season, that’s
a good way to put it as a married couple, I are mature, whichever way you want to look at it. And there are some things that come up in our marriage where I feel like I’m totally right. And also you feel like you’re totally right. And our answers are very different, just polar opposites. So what do we do? And in those scenarios, that’s the topic for today. And we want to discuss some of the steps to take to sync up to make a decision when you’re both 100%. Right, that you’re on opposite pages. And yeah, so it may be hard to be married to me sometimes, because I’m 100%. Right.
Welcome to the Christian point podcast, where we’re all about growing your relationship with God. As lifelong Christian believers, your hosts Zack and Linda McConnell explore topics that affect your world. Together, they are relearning and redirecting our path as we walk through struggles hangups, sins and purpose. The Christian point is a lively discussion that will help equip you with tools provide focus and encouragement from a biblical perspective. Always remember, Christ is the point. Now here are your hosts, Zach and Linda.
Hi, guys. I’m here with my husband, Zack McConnell. And we are here in Texas, with freezing temperatures outside. It’s cold outside the snow and the ice, and I have my space heater going next to me. And that’s one thing, Zack, and I do not agree on what the inside temperature should be. Yes, I’m
pretty sure she’s 100% wrong on this. And I’m 100%, right? Because she likes to warm and I like it just right.
Yep, you can hear that. So my husband, he has control of the app on his phone. And I like cold nights where I have the heater and a fireplace going. Set. Exactly. And I am so grateful for that. And these cold winter days, I have to convince myself to go on my daily walk because the wind is so cold outside, I have no desire to be out there. I need to clearly get over that though. Well, stay with us, as we have this discussion on the conflict of being 100%. Right. On the Christian point?
Well, I think it’s true. You know, for most people, it’s like you have an answer or an idea of how something should be right. And it’s like, in my soul in my gut. I know, this is right. And this is how it should go that I’ve got the right answer. You know, in early in marriage, I was like, the man of the house, and you should see it my way. Yes, he was. Unfortunately, that does not work out work. Marriage is a team concept. We got to get a big capital T on team. And you know, it’s funny, because I think there are people that are maybe kind of laid back, you know, just go with the flow. Unfortunately, that’s not Linda and I Oh, now we know people like that. They’re good friends. Yes. But when you get married, you realize like, well, maybe you’re more particular about certain things than you thought you were, or more strong willed or more determined to get your way. Yeah, I found myself surprised that we didn’t agree always. I didn’t even know that you’d care about some of the things you care about or have an opinion. But you know, some couples have little conflict, because they’re so laid back. But then you realize you do have an opinion, and it differs from your spouse,
right? And some couples, you know, it’s opposites that are trapped. So how do they manage conflict when they react completely different to each other? And yeah, every couple is going to have these instances when they both feel like they’re right. So what do we really do? Well, for instance, like mom see packing up the kids in the car very differently than dads do tip very differently. Well, as a female, I want to prep I want to have waters, I want to bring snacks. I want to pack a large bag, maybe with a change of clothes, maybe a sweater too. And we differ on getting out the door on even the small things. But for me as a mom, I feel that we can’t go anywhere without snacks and water cups and maybe a bag with sweaters. And you know, we’ve had this conversation before for years in our marriage. And now that we’re empty nesters, it’s traveling in our RV and I’m prepping the counter not countertop the day before we leave with food and snacks and drinks and take it all the time to do that to make sure we’re prepped. I have a whole list of things that need to go at this checkoff list I go line by line. Do I have this? And well, Zack feels like that’s too much weight. He’s like, Well, you’re really struggling with the weight limit of the RV. And we don’t need to bring all that stuff. But I see all that stuff is just essentials. Yes, she
does. Every bit of it isn’t essential. But you know, if you go on an outing in, you’re just going to go out and come back. Just load up. And I’m 100%, right? I know I am. And I’m thinking, you don’t need all these outfits, shoes, snacks when you’re going. So just a little short trip. So I’m 100%. Right, guys, but I don’t know about that. You may need them when you go out for a longer period of time. And I don’t know what the length is exactly where the cut off is. But it takes more time to get off when you pack a bunch of stuff that we may not even use. But so yeah, so what’s funny here is I really do love the snacks she
packs. Does he eats the snacks. Yeah, I
hate the fact that I’m on the other side of the argument here about snacks. So let me just go in for the record. It make it clear. I love snacks. I have nothing to get snacks. In fact, I’m a huge fan of snacks. All right? Yes, he is. I
100% agree with that. Well,
that being said, You do not need snacks when you go out on a short visit or short time or trip. So if you’re going to the park, or any sort of outing our kids or grandkids would do, we can stop at a store along the way if we need to, we can actually survive for days with no prep zero.
Well, it might be easier if we just bring a bag with water and a bag of nuts for snacks. But I’m not leaving without my water bottle. And you know what? When times get tense or when someone’s hungry, or you have a toddler who thinks they’re hungry. You just have to have the snacks. Here you go, buddy. Here’s a little snack, have a little mixed bag of nuts. You’ll love it.
Well, yeah. Or you could just say I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to wait until we eat. But I can see your point. I understand your maternal instinct is to be prepared. And I do say yes to snacks a lot.
Well, there you go. And that also makes me think back to when we had young kids. And that comes back to haunt me. And okay, think about the diaper situation, right mom’s. And somehow you forgot to prep and you don’t have that extra diaper. And that dreaded explosion, it happens and it’s everywhere. And then you also run out of wipes because you weren’t prepared. I mean, that’s a horrible situation. And I know it’s happened to many of us. Or we have, we have three kids, and they’re just dying of thirst. So my fault, I didn’t pack the waters. So sometimes it comes back to bite me. But other times, I think it’s good. And it’s a helpful lesson for our kids where it’s like, Hey, you’re just gonna have to wait. And also it doesn’t take them 30 minutes to assemble all of my things if we’re just trying to get out the door.
Yeah, you know, I’m fast i basket, eat out the door. Maybe I’ll leave some things behind. But I’m watching the clock to get out that door. And I have to remind you what time it is because you’re still in a gathering mode when it’s time to go. Absolutely. Well,
I have three kids and three grandkids. And I personally only have to grab my glasses, my wallet, my cell phone and my coat. But for them, I have to grab more stuff. So I’m moving fast trying to grab it all. And that’s very true. You’re 100%, right, that you can make it out the door faster than I did.
Okay, guys. So the point is these things happen, right? And it’s funny because we understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses in we allow it to make it out the door with smiles on our faces. It’s sort of an argument. But that took us a while to get to that point, you know, trying to get things out at the door with the kids and managing that stress. But now it’ll come up every once in a while and worth the point. You know, we’re we just laugh about it. So it’s no big deal.
Absolutely. But when they’re bigger deals, maybe bigger problems, or, you know, both people are really on opposite sides. What are some steps that they can take?
Now, in a marriage, the first step that we want to suggest is about a mentality. And that is to have a mentality where you’re willing to be convinced or willing to concede. So don’t be stubborn and get set in your ways that regardless of the facts, regardless of the arguments, regardless of the opinions and preferences of your spouse, that you’re unwilling to yield just can’t be that way. Just don’t be that guy or that girl who’s so stubborn, that it’s just not even a conversation. Right?
Right. You know,
it’s funny because sometimes when we enter into a conversation, or as an observer when you see other people having conversations like this, you can tell when there’s somebody who’s just said they’re not budging. It’s like their fists are kind balled up, their shoulders are squared. They are in this conversation, but they’re not moving. There’s no way. And that doesn’t work out in our marriages, guys. I mean, if, if and when you and I disagree, Linda, I want to be able to listen and understand your perspective. And it’s okay to be wrong. Oh, I’m wrong. I don’t just say it with an attitude that doesn’t do any good. And it leaves more conflict and frustration. And you have more rights than I have?
Well, right, absolutely. You just have to switch. Sometimes it’s not even about being right or being wrong. So for example, with snacks, it’s not like one is right, and one is wrong. It’s which is the better one to go. What direction? Do you have to get out? Really quickly out of the house? Which one is better for this situation?
Yeah, you know, and I should be willing to say that you should get to have snacks, right? Absolutely. Let’s take five minutes and gather our things and symbol a bag, right? And that’s fine. So there should be also instances where you say, Okay, let’s just go. Let’s just go and grab something along the way, if we need it, roll the dice. You know, let’s go. But it takes humility, to in humbleness, to just say to yourself, Wow, I’m being stubborn, being prideful. And I think I’m always right, in this other person isn’t right. They don’t know. And so I think it misstep, that humbleness needs to be entering this conversation with attitude that yeah, I need to see what I can be open to, I want to examine things here. I want to be tried to be flexible, if I can be flexible. So we want to suggest for number two, here is to talk and to really listen to each other. I mean, really, listen, we’re really getting into some rocket science here, guys, really complex stuff, right?
Absolutely. Yes, we need to talk and listen to each other. And you know, if we are, if one person moves a certain direction in a marriage, and a troubled marriage, that can just bring an enormous amount of change, positive change, it only takes one person to move. So seriously, when you’re in those instances where you are 100% in disagreement with each other, we more than ever need to talk and listen to what this other person is saying. And give them a fair chance to explain themselves, and to listen to the extent that you understand not only the facts of what they’re saying, but also the feelings behind what they’re saying, at the very best you can and just really understand where they’re coming from.
Yeah, you know, I think that you do that? Well, because you ask questions. Why don’t you? Why do you think you’re right? And you follow up with another question. We just can’t have a mentality guys that I’m going to be right, I’m going to win because I want to win, or because I want to be right. And we have to just show flexibility with our spouses, be open, have a conversation. Be very respectful, not with an attitude, not with fakeness. Just be real with it.
Absolutely. And asking, Hey, is that something? Is that the way you’ve always done it? Or did you try to do this maybe the last time or didn’t this work last? And I know you want to know, whatever direction you want to understand their perspective. And that’s great. And then you can explain it, you can get it all out and ask why. Because you know, maybe you’re not convinced right then, and you have your reasons. So you want to be able to share that and get that out in the open and communicate. And it helps when you’re listening and listening quietly and being respectful. And you’re not just like oh, yeah, okay, whatever, whatever you think, yeah, no big deal. It’s, you know, you’re really in the moment with them, paying attention to them, and trying to understand their perspective.
Well, I’ve seen this in counseling, sometimes, all the other person wants is just to have their opinion in this scenario that they’re dealing with, validated and heard, really heard, and they just can’t be heard. In ways that doesn’t help you have to show a willingness to absorb what their point is, and do it in a kind and real fashion. So this first point really can’t be overstated. This is really important, guys. This is just the bread and butter of communicating and talking, but it’s actually listening to each other and that nonverbal and the verbals everything in between, right? And I think if it’s really a heated discussion, if it’s a deep issue, and this is a big conversation, you may need to table it and just come back to it later. Sometimes motions get carried away. And as you’re talking about it, and you’re trying to understand the other person’s perspective, sometimes it’s just not a really good moment for the conversation to happen.
Absolutely, I agree. And it’s really, if it’s not good timing, maybe someone’s distracted, or maybe they’re already upset, and they’re trying to accomplish something else that they need to get done, they have a deadline, or maybe they’re just absolutely exhausted. And you know, what, it’s just needs to be something that at that time, it’s tabled. And then you can come back to it, maybe you can talk about it tonight, or whatever it might be. And that way you can change the circumstance, you can give yourself a little bit of space, you also, the next thing you need to do is pray about it and pray to God for wisdom. And as we see in Galatians, 522, to 23, we want to be full of the fruits of the Spirit, we want to be full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness and self control. And the Holy Spirit’s fruits will go far when there’s a conflict. And I mean, not only helps to create for a better context, when you talk the next time, that also helps to just give a little bit more time, give a little breather, let things simmer down if things have gotten heated, or you know, you’re fired up with your emotions are really invested. And you just need a little bit of time and space. And that’s going to help settle both y’all down. And another thing about that there’s been there’s some points here that you can be talking and you can be listening. And I think it’d be helpful to do a pro and con chart. And actually a lot of pro and con charts, because it just lays it all out there. And I think you’re the first one who brought that into our marriage that.
Yeah, you know, I think you made two great points there. Linda, let me go back to that first one of stopping and praying. And I know this is really difficult, guys, it is hard in the middle of a heated argument or conflict to say, hey, let’s stop and pray for a second. But if you can do that, I mean, if you can really pull that off, you’re gonna have just a moment of cleansing and clarity. And when that’s over so much of that that emotional anchor will be gone. You might not have changed your mind yet. But that that he did emotional anger, you know, after you stop and pray, it’s hard to have that on the end of a prayer. And so I think it’s good. So your other your second point is like, Yeah, wow, I think pros and cons really help in decision making. And it’s been used everywhere, it’s super helpful, when you can see it in black and white on paper. Okay, these are good. And these are the bad points, write down the good points on one side of the sheet, the pros rather not the good, the pros on one side, the cons on the other. And let let both you and your spouse have a go with this. And then review that and see what if you can take something away from it, if it creates some space for you, in this discussion,
absolutely, like do it together. That way, when you write down the facts, that helps you as someone like me, I’m more of emotional about some of these things. And sometimes those emotions can weigh a lot. And when there’s factual information behind it, then it makes me kind of think about, okay, I’m also a factual decision maker. And sometimes that’s the case that when I see it more black and white, and I’m like, okay, I can kind of chill out a little, I can move to your side quicker. And you know, when we do that pro and con chart, and we’re making big decisions, and when maybe we’re disagreeing about the things, but when you do that chart together, and you sit down, and together, you come up with those pros for a given position, and mine, for example, and then we’ll come up with the cons of another position, and then you’ll go on back and forth with the pros. And then hey, Zack, take a look at the cons. And let’s work all this out. And so this isn’t like something that I just go do. And I drop it off on the table and I say, Hey, look at all these facts, they all line up for my side. So this is what we’re going to do. So I’m right, yeah, it’s really an exercise that you have to do together. Just the process of communicating through the pros and cons chart and you start seeing the objective facts on paper. It’s really a helpful process for us to do together. And the last I think sub point of this is potentially just to be praying about it. And you’ve got to be talking and listening and hearing another perspective and reviewing that pro and con chart. And oftentimes, when you’ve laid out your position I’ve laid out mine, then I need to go pray for God to soften my heart or to call me down or to see a better vision of what your perspective is and under We’re standing. And I really need to talk to the Lord about this decision and ask him, just, you know, what direction should we be going, and help me be willing to be flexible, and help me change my mind. If that is a better blessing for our family, whatever is God’s will. That’s the point. God knows best. And it’s my desire to follow as God’s path for my life.
Yeah, though. So what we have to go with, we have to go out with the path that God has laid out for us. I mean, that’s good. It shouldn’t be the last thing on our list, that’s for sure. It’s one of those things that we really need to do in good decision making as a husband and wife communicating with each other. So let’s pray. I look to First Timothy, to first and second first, our urge, then, first of all that petitions, prayers, and intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people, for kings, and for all of those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness, and holiness. So we will pray together. Sometimes when we make it assistant we need to be keep things moving, as we look to our God and our Lord for wisdom and guidance.
Absolutely. And that’s a third step that we really want to challenge everybody with, is if you still disagree, then what do you do? Let’s just say, I’m willing to be convinced, I’ve talked to you, and I’ve listened, we still have this fundamental disagreement. And the Bible says in First Peter three, verse nine, Do not repay evil for evil or insult for insult, but on the cron contrary, repay evil with a blessing that you may obtain a blessing. So we’re still disagreeing with that advice. So what do we do then Zack,
well, before the final straw, talk to a friend, talk to your pastor to a small group leader accounts or just bring a third party in. And I’m going to talk in about your buddy that you try to give everything to one sided, like, I’m talking about a real honest conversation with another person, or even together that you’re talking to another person, if you’re really talking to your spouse, and you really can’t work through something, it might be time to bring in someone else, just for another perspective, and seek advice. And it can be super helpful to have a mediator, the godly person who can listen and help you with compromise. And who can help you both as a couple to make that decision. And to see an outside perspective at times. You know, sometimes you just need a counselor or a friend, maybe a you know, in the super large discussions, especially, you might need your pastor to step in, and getting advice can be really helpful. And I’m just thinking of a marriage counseling scenarios where they’re kind of things that people end up seeking advice and talking about, you know, here’s a couple examples. I’ve talked to things with people about this in Do you have a Do you have another child? Does the wife go back to work? You know, do we move out of state for another job? And in each of those scenarios, I’m picturing the faces of people that I’ve talked to about these things. And, you know, often one person says, Nope, no, I want to stay and live right here. And one person says, No, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to move somewhere else. And you know, and I want to have a kid. No, I don’t. These are issues that are not quickly, easily solved. They’re big decisions. So it’s good to seek guidance. And just having someone else to help you think those things through add another perspective. And hopefully, sharing with a counselor can be a helpful thing. So we need to look and see. And what does the Bible have to say on this topic? Well, it says the husband’s The Family Leader, and he’s called in charged with a challenge to make decisions. And the wife is called to help her husband in that process. And, guys, we’re not suggesting that one role is more important than the other. Both are equally important, right. And they’re equal terms in our essences, and our people in our values, but they’re different in terms of our function, and the jobs that we have in our marriage.
Absolutely. And it’s helpful to know that and to embrace it. And, you know, we both are under God’s authority. And you know, Zack, you’re someone who’s leading our family. And the more that I go with you, and I’m coming alongside you to help you, and I’m on your team. And that can be easy, some days and hard some days, right? Based on all these decisions. Well, how big is this decision? It’s still ultimately when I come to understand, I am called to be a peacemaker. We all are called to be peacemakers. And I’m going to be held accountable for that before God was was I try and bring peace to the family. And if I can keep that Out of Mind, that you’re going to be held accountable for the way, Zach also leads our family, and I’m gonna be held accountable for how do I bring peace and show respect. And it’s not helpful to, you know, Buck or fight against him or drag my heels demand my way. And I’m going to respect that what you have to say, and we will work towards a compromise. And the husband needs to remember at the end of the day, he’s going to be held accountable the same way for his leadership for the family. And that’s really a heavy responsibility on husbands.
Now, you know, in guys, keep in mind, the husband’s burden for this responsibility to make the decisions and lead the family, he just doesn’t want to go with whatever he feels, and whatever he says. So guys, this is important. Realize, just because the husband is the head of the household does not mean that it does not mean this is a dictatorship, okay, you’ve got to take all of your family council in and you’ve got to do what’s not only best, maybe in your opinion, but all of your family members in how this affects them. So you have to be willing to compromise, where I see this really abused is where people will go in and say, Nope, I’ve made up my mind, this is what we’re doing, here’s how we’re doing it. You know, and that is not the intention, intentional way we need to be as, as fathers in as husbands, we need to lead with compassion, with caring, with gentleness, with humbleness. And we should not get ourselves into a situation where we have to make a authoritarian type decision. We need to be better husbands than that, better spouses than that. And sometimes that’s difficult to do. But that’s the way we need to to lead is to create consensus among the family and a family that as a whole have to use in one direction. So yeah, at the end of the day, the other the husband gets to prefer others in that process. And so I want to make the decisions that are good for the family. I want to make decisions that are going to keep my team liking my leadership. So compromise is the solution, when necessary in good for the family as a whole.
Yeah, exact like, really, the husband’s role is sacrificial leadership. And one side does not always get to when it doesn’t work that way. And there are more than one solution to a decision. And maybe you just haven’t thought it all through yet. So I want to bear in mind a lot of different factors in the process of making good decisions. And I remember one day you bought a house, that was before there was even cell phones. It was early marriage, and I was out grocery shopping, and I got home and you call me on the house phone and told me honey, I just bought a house that was like, Oh, which one?
You know, it’s funny, guys, I remember this a little differently than Linda does.
Oh, now because I really was shocked. I was like, I don’t I don’t even know which one you bought. But the realtor called him up that morning while I was at Walmart shopping, and said, Oh, the owner has to sell quickly. They’ve reduced the price by this huge amount. And do you want to make an offer? So he jumped on it? And oh, boy, there’s a lot of stories about that house. That’s, that’s for a whole nother podcast. But okay, it was really cool. And looking back into our marriage, I could see that, you know, he stood up and he made that decision. And he put that decision up front. And we all complied like Yeah, absolutely. We need a house. And you didn’t get into who was right who was wrong, that sort of thing. You don’t you don’t take sides you don’t keep a score core card, and you don’t sit there and come back to it a day or two and, and, and still be mad about it wasn’t your way or what have you, you need to basically both come to the table with a sacrificial attitude and make the decision and it was really great. I know that he wanted to provide a house for us and provide for our family and I totally get that and so that was what the goal was that day and I really appreciate his leadership that he took advantage of you guys
let me also make the point here. I do not in any manner suggest you go out and buy a house without
it’s really probably not a good idea. No, it’s an extreme example. It’s probably our most extreme example in our entire marriage. In
fact, I hate we’re kind of using this example because we will it be real wrong tone a little bit because there were a lot of extenuating circumstances we had seen the house we’d already talked about by Ain’t it? Well, anyway, it goes on and on. But yeah, guys, don’t go do that it doesn’t play well, if you have to talk about it down the road someday. But on a better note, Linda, okay, fine, I guess you can bring all the snacks you want. The snacks are delicious. We do eat them. And that’s what I’m gonna say. Let’s bring this back to the snacks. Okay,
absolutely. Well, I do think there’s a lot to this, there’s a common challenge that people have. And so this is really important stuff. And we want to leave our listeners with something to think about that they can do a response. So what’s your challenge? What’s what is the challenges facing your marriage? What steps have you talked about? What do you need to work on in your marriage? Are you willing to listen? Do you need to concede, where are you at? What needs to grow? And I think it’s good. We need to you lay down these several steps to take and which step steps do you need to take, and maybe something needs attention. And we really appreciate you joining us. And we want to make sure that you’re also praying for your marriage. And we hope that this message has spoke to you guys. So we’d love to hear from you. And please write a review, subscribe and share this podcast to Apple podcasts, Google podcasts or go to the Christian point.com. Thank you so much for listening. And with Sakon. Linda, the Christian point and do let us know your thoughts. And we would love to hear from you and maybe even be able to talk about the next episode was something that you had in mind. In fact, guys,
go to our website, the Christian point.com. And leave your comments there. Tell us what you’ve ran into your unmanned marriage and maybe some of the ways that you were creative to solve those issues, and to move your marriage forward in a positive way, rather than take a real hit on your marriage in a negative way.
Absolutely. We encourage you to leave your testimony and give us a review. And we would love to pray for you as well. So God’s blessings and peace be with you. And remember, until next time, Christ is the point.
Thanks for listening to the Christian point. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and connect with us on Instagram, Facebook, or visit us on the web at Deep Christian point.com. If you enjoyed the show, please share it with your friends on social media. Until next time, always remember Christ is the point