Transcript

TCP Episode 018

Thursday, March 9th, 2023 

SPEAKERS

Linda McConnell and  Zack McConnell

00:00
Hi, welcome to the Christian point was Zack and Linda. And today we will talk about when you’re angry at your spouse, guys, can you relate to this topic? So that as a seasoned married couple of 37 years, we have certainly been angry with each other more times that either of us would like to admit, yeah, more than we’d like to say. Yes, absolutely. And there are some things that come up in our marriage when I am searching my mind for what to say. And my words don’t flow in a positive direction and an explosion occurs. And sometimes it’s true. Sometimes a couple does need to argue that how do you argue productively without toxic communication going on? So what do we do? And in those scenarios, that’s the topic for today, we want to discuss some steps to take when you’re angry at your spouse. And yeah, marriage is hard, right? And guys, we’re serial entrepreneurs, and we have worked together for 37 years to and that’s even more challenging challenge with a capital C. Absolutely. Well, I’m here with my husband, Zack McConnell, and we’re here in Texas with spring like temperatures, some kids are out on spring break, and some of our trees are starting to bloom, the sun is shining, and I just can’t wait to go on my walk. And it’s just really, it’s cool outside. But that having a walk, that’s always a good thing to do if you need to cool down when you’re angry at your spouse. And anyway, it’s really wet outside. So there’s a lot of standing water out there and your feet are gonna get all muddy, it gets dirty. So guys, stay with us as we’re gonna have this discussion on being angry at your spouse on the Christian point.

Intro 01:52
Welcome to the Christian point podcast, where we’re all about growing your relationship with God. As lifelong Christian believers, your host, Zack and Linda McConnell explore topics that affect your world. Together, they are relearning and redirecting our path as we walk through struggles hangups, sins and purpose. The Christian point is a lively discussion that will help equip you with tools provide focus and encouragement from a biblical perspective. Always remember, Christ is the point. Now here are your hosts, Zack and Belinda.

02:28
Hi, everyone, welcome today. This is our discussion of marriage and the family here in Christian life on the Christian point. And today, we’re talking about anger specifically, what do we do when you’re angry at your spouse? And I hate to say it, but it’s not a question, if it’s going to happen is more of a question when. So when you’re angry at your spouse, what do you do? How do you handle it? What’s a wise way forward from this? What are some good principles and techniques? And Linden? I, since I supply you with so many opportunities to practice this, Linda, why don’t you hit us with some of your ideas on things that you’ve done to handle anger toward me?

03:15
Well, I tried to yell out, you know, just scream it out, though, I really don’t try to do that. It just happens kind of naturally. And those are the things I’m trying to refrain from a passionate person, I feel my emotions, I’m super easily readable. So you probably know what I’m angry. And you just see my eyes with that glimmer. And every time I just can’t hide it. And so recently, angry moments have come and as a result of you having so much work going on, and sometimes that just like pops up anger in me where I feel like neglected, or my time I don’t get attention everybody else does. The phone’s constantly ringing. And it’s really silly, because it’s not like something that you’re trying to make happen toward me. And it’s not something that you want. And it’s not something you’re happy about. It’s just a circumstance that we’re walking through. But I unfortunately, there have been a few times when I’ve gotten angry, I’ve gotten mad, I’ve gotten frustrated that you were wearing so many hats. And that’s just, you know, kind of, I can’t process all that. So I have to take a pause. And you know, but I also in talking with friends, like sometimes some friends will they can be mad and frustrated because their husband is injured themselves. Like maybe they fell off their bike, and now they can’t do house chores, and can’t help around there with the kids. And so there’s a lot of times that this can happen around the house.

04:56
Yeah, you know, sometimes it’s just maybe if you’ve had An accent, it’s hard to stand and do do the dishes. But you know, the guy is shocked, he’s had so much pain, and feels like, wow, this can’t be true. So he really needs an empathetic listener. So you should have been immediately thankful for all the times that I did the dishes with that degeneration of my lower back, can you just imagine my pain later?

05:22
Well, you are absolutely amazing, I am thankful, absolutely thankful, and you cook some really good meals too. So I’m grateful for that, too. But you know, there’s other times in life where the, you know, bad things happen. And, you know, you’re just not in charge of the circumstance. And there have been times where maybe you’ve done something that bothered me, or you haven’t done something that I wish you would have. And I can think back after years of marriage, and there’s been instances when I’ve been frustrated with you, and kind of in my old brain going back and forth, like, you know, thinking about my heart, you know, and you get that kind of grumbling anger in your mind that you’re trying to deal with.

06:06
Yeah, you know, there’s probably daily opportunities, you know, to one degree or another, to be angry. If it’s some days, there’s something that’s really frustrating or abrogating, and you really have to battle that guys, then there’s other days might just be a small thing, you know, but it’s, it’s a regular temptation for couples to find something they focus on and get angry back. So what I want to do is try to identify some principles, some biblical principles, and some wisdom principles for navigating this. And, you know, I think when we face this, the number one thing I like to do is take a check of where is my emotional state was emotional state. When I faced this, and I have to think for myself, sometime, I need a pause, you know, I’m feeling angry, I feel my face getting hotter, my brain starts to melt about something. And I have to think, where am I at? In my emotions right now? Am I already at the end of the day, and it’s, you know, just things that bugged me throughout the day in life. Kids just did something was really frustrated. And so I’m coming off the heels of all that. It’s just exhausting. I just want to look, where am I emotionally? And where are my feelings, and I have to deal honestly, with those feelings. And sometimes I’m just mad because of, you know, I’m emotionally out of whack. And I’m just allowing myself to respond, like respond, really passionate about something or, you know, I’m in that zone of being frustrated, upset, or, you know, overworked whatever. And so, you know, I feel myself getting that way right now just talking about

07:49
it. So you do get really passionate,

07:51
I have very animated on things, I just need to dial it down. And so sometimes it’s a small things, just small little words in like, oh, it’s because I’m already there. And you trigger those little triggers get you. And sometimes you’re just looking at, like, what’s going on here, you’re just being emotional, you’re responding with your feelings are easily being armed. And right now those emotions are coming up. So you guys, I just need to take a step back. I need to take a breath. Like, let’s get back to where do I need to be emotionally? How do I handle this? Absolutely. When you feel overwhelmed like that? Yeah. Yeah, take a pause, you know, yeah, I think it’s key for couples to reconcile, and forgive each other at the end of the conflict. Get, you know, if you get things resolved, it means the marriage can be stronger. Absolutely. Now, resolving conflict can also build confidence that, you know, in the next time, this happens, you know, you can resolve it. And so if you go through these in, you know, you can work through them in your marriage, you can work through the anger, you can ask each other forgiveness. So, you know, the first step is you need to see, listen, listening, that you just need to say, what are what’s going on, and then exercise empathy, and then approach the conflict with a problem solving mindset. And here’s the key while staying clear, you got to stay clear guys of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling. Remember, you’re on the same team? Absolutely. This is the spouse This is the person you love, and it’s gonna devote your life to each other. So don’t use threats. And stay at this is a big one to stay away from blanket statements or judgment saying like, always, are you never right? That’s really hurtful it is. You just kind of stay away from those kind of words. So avoid acquisition acquisitions. And if that still didn’t work out and you just don’t see this getting resolved over time, and you’ve tried working on it Go seek Christian marriage counseling.

10:02
Absolutely. I know when we were in marriage counseling, that was one of the things that the counselor said is, your marriage is your most important asset that you will ever have your entire life. And you really need to take pause and think that through and what effect are you having on your spouse, and all of those, those are really great points, you know, just stopping and listening, and then showing empathy. And, you know, the main thing that I do, and I kind of play off of this, and I’m not necessarily evaluating my emotional state, but when I’m really angry, which that has happened repeatedly, it does. And I will write it down in a note or an email to myself, and I just write down something and I say, you know, what I’d like to address and why I’m angry about and kind of the whole scenario, and then I don’t necessarily say it right, then I give it pause, I think it through. And then I go and look at the email, or the note the next day. And sure enough, nine times out of 10. I just delete it. Because it’s not even we’re saying the time has passed. I’ve gotten over it, I was caught up in the emotions. And it was something that I was a mad about that once I got some perspective, and I understand your point of view better. And my head cleared a little bit, I went for a walk, I prayed. That’s the number one thing to do is to pray. And I was able to see it as just something to overlook and to move on. And so that’s been a tactic for me that has helped me to wisely respond or not respond to my anger for you for something that didn’t go my way. But to deal with the anger, or let it subside a little before I actually say something.

11:50
Yeah, I gotta know, when you’re on the phone, and you’re emailing so yourself, you’re just ferociously over there typing away. I know the secret. Oh, no, now, you know. But you know, there’s a passage that always refer to when it comes to dealing with anger in your marriage. And it’s Ephesians chapter four, verse 26. And it says, In your anger, do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger. And you know, of course, this passage has not been written to married couples, necessarily, but it’s to provide them with marriage counseling, per se, this is written to the church and emphasis encouraging people to live the new Christian life. And that includes not being angry to the extent of sin toward each other, you know, toward court, your spouse, and to have a pattern of that, where they’re dealing with sin before it escalates into too and too much time goes by,

12:43
yeah. And I can actually think that too. And if I’m being honest here, being in bed at times, and I’m having, you know, you’re sleeping away, heavy snoring going on, and I’m over there crying. And I can’t say it happens a lot. But over the years of marriage, there have been certain times where either I’ve been so upset, or frustrated, and I just have no idea. And I’m just really upset. And I’m kind of softly sobbing next to you, which is so sad, that basically, what I ended up doing there is it helps me take the first step is dealing with it with the Lord, and I don’t need to wake you up, I don’t need to talk to you about it. That wouldn’t work out well. And usually, these things are small, and I should have been able to just get past them. But for whatever reason, I’m worked up about it. And I just ended up sitting there, I get up, I’ll go read my Bible, I’ll pray, I’ll read my devotions. And just really get into my heart and talk to the Lord about it and get right with the Lord and talk with him about it and confess what I’m thinking and feeling and just get it all out there. And honestly, by the end of that time, I can lay that down, and I can go to bed. And I don’t have to wake you up. I don’t have to talk for 20 or 30 minutes about this little thing that happened. And I think that’s maybe some of the best ways to handle your anger is to go to the Lord. Talk to him, bring it to the Lord, before ever even bringing it up in person.

14:15
Yeah, you know, and I think it’s really step one. If you’re angry to the point of being sinful, then you need to confess that to the Lord, right, and seek God’s forgiveness, right. And then it could be the case that you need to seek forgiveness from your spouse, because you’re angry at them. You should have a conversation, where you confess to them and say, hey, hey, Linda, I’m sorry, I was angry with you. I’m sorry, will you forgive me? And you know, that’s the conversation that needs to happen, guys, right? And unfortunately, when we’re angry, it’s really hard to confess our anger and to be done with it. The last thing we want to do when we start talking and I’m sure a lot of couples can resonate with this, but when we start talking about what We’re actually mad about, then we’re not only mad about the the thing that made the disagreement start, but now we’re mad about how we are handling it, how we’re talking to each other. And the way we’re talking about it and the way we’re responding, and the way we’re arguing. We’re arguing about the argument, right? Absolutely. And it’s not the thing. So it just gets piled on. And so this is a really tricky thing to deal with.

15:27
Oh, totally. What can I move on to another thing that I do?

15:31
Yes. I know, you’ve got multiple tools in your arsenal to deal with me. You have to?

15:36
It’s not really like, it’s not that I’m mad at you a lot.

15:40
Okay, so go on. How much do you have about this? Okay.

15:44
It’s just because it’s one of my favorite verses. And it’s worth saying it’s proverbs 19, verse 11. And it says, Good sense makes one slower to anger. And it is His glory to overlook an offense. Yeah, that is, that’s a good verse, that if I’m mad at you, I try to ask myself, Is this something I can overlook? Does this need to be dealt with right now? Do I have to bring it up? And I think oftentimes I don’t, it’s really more me. I need to deal with me kind of like that hula hoop principle, deal with yourself the sort before you start blaming others.

16:21
Yeah, guys, the hula hoop. I love that there was a thing, we went through a marriage counseling retreat one time and what the hula hoop means if you’re standing in that middle of the hula hoop, you can’t talk about things beyond yourself. What’s wrong with my spouse or the situation, you can only deal with things inside of your own life, things that are inside your hula hoop, right? You’re the only thing in there.

16:45
And if one person changes in that relationship, focusing solely on themselves and their own hula hoop, the entire dynamic of the relationship changes and positive things start to happen in that relationship. And that person that you’re dealing with, will see that you’re handling things differently, and they will change. And I need to think about how much you do for us and for the entire family. And I need to just get over it. And I need to move on. And something that helps me do this is I think about who you are. I think about the ways you love me the words. You said to me that the ways that you serve me and something like if you said something that begged me, well, I need to look back to your lifetime of love toward me, that can gloss over some of these little things that maybe have rubbed me wrong. Because often sometimes this little things, they can be left set or left undone that bothered me and it’s like, okay, well, he loves me. He works hard. He is serving me. He talks to me, he encourages me. And I can just go on and on. And then when I think at all through usually the thing that was making me mad, I’m like, Oh, I’m done with

17:59
that. Moving on. That’s great. That’s really good. I love that part.

18:04
Rather than sending the email, but you know, you got to be careful. You don’t want to send it to the wrong person. Oh, but

18:10
if I got the email, I might really be passive aggressive there. Okay, go on.

18:17
Well, we’ll say yeah, I think that something like there was an instance when, like, you’d left the hose on in the backyard. Oh, yeah. I remember as you’re trying to get water in the pool. And now water is overflowing the pool, and we live out in the country. So the water costs a lot. And then I become angry. And I am thinking about, Okay, that was a jerk move. Why did he put his alarm on his phone? And I know, he didn’t mean to, but I’m thinking about all of the money of that water bill. And maybe it was just for an hour. I’m not sure how long that water was going. But I think it’s gonna be a big bill. Oh, you

18:55
know, I don’t think it was that long. You know, like, six hours or something? Well, it felt like six hours. Okay, but I was definitely gone. When you found out that I think that wasn’t cool. For sure.

19:09
And and see, isn’t that nice? Here, you were serving the family. So I Emad in response to something. But then you go and serve the family. And a lot of words came to mind. And I didn’t say them because I was filtering them through the lens of Scripture. I’m glad you didn’t say those words on Yeah. And what God would be pleased with this with me saying, and I needed to process what was going to be a helpful thing in the response to that situation. So I would just refrain from saying unnecessarily harmful or even did I really need to give him tips about what he should or shouldn’t do the next time like put the alarm on your phone, or that probably wouldn’t have been very helpful. And, you know, I think that that would just be egging on the situation. So, yeah, you know,

20:03
I get these things in my mind. And it’s like, none of those things are going to be helpful. And he feels bad. And yeah, it’s a bummer that I don’t dwell on it. Yeah, well, those things probably would have made me mad. So we would have, you know, that would have provoked me to anger or I’ve been tempted to be angry. But that brings up a really helpful thing from my perspective. And this works both ways, guys. It’s just a principle is to not talk when you can visibly see, or you know, that your spouse is upset. Because I knew in that instance, that you were upset and you weren’t saying words. So you were practicing, you know what you were just telling me, right? And what I should have been doing is not prodding, not asking, Are you? What are you thinking about right now? What are you mad about? Because now I’m trying to draw out those words that you’re trying to suppress? Right? Absolutely. I mean, there’s a genuine curiosity. Um, I’m wondering, but still, it can be frustrating for me that you’re mad. And I’m like, sorry, I left the, you know, the hose on who cares? It was an accident, whatever, whatever is not a good word to use, either. But why are you mad about it, and I can really press you about it. And then I can provoke you to anger to give into the very thing that you’re working so hard to suppress? Absolutely. And I can see that, you know, you’re working hard.

21:33
I’m working hard, I can see the wheels turning in your brain. And I think you look and I really don’t know, but are you mad at me? Why? What are you mad about? What did I do you know, all of these things. And if you just push and push and push, and you know that they’re upset, it’s really unwise. And that it’s not helpful. It’s not working things out, give yourself some time. And you don’t need to be adding and giving more fuel to the fire at that type of moment.

22:07
Exactly. You’re gonna be able to talk about this and work through it. It’s not like we’re trying to avoid it. We’re just not trying to, you know, flame the fire while we’re in that emotional heated state. And I guess that gets people guessing people’s motivations, and what you’re imagining or dreaming up what they’re thinking or feeling or what they’re mad about what’s potentially creating a whole new series, a scenario in your own head. And that’s not even real, right? So we just need to be disciplined in our thinking about our spouse, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just listen to the words they’re saying, and believe them and move on from there.

22:48
Yeah, and I think we’ve said this, but pray definitely yes,

22:53
I’m gonna say is to pray. And I think we’ve said to pray, and it is such a go to thing when you’re feeling those emotions and those angers to get over it.

23:04
Right. But I think it’s the best thing to pray. And I mean, not only have we talked about this, and and at worse, we’re refraining from saying things we’re talking, we’re taking time away. We’re thinking through our words, that I’m having a running conversation with God here. I’m asking him for help when I’m mad, and I’m asking him to get me onto the right path. And help me refrain from saying anything I shouldn’t say. And if I’m mentally going, Dale, or I’m upset, and I’m frustrated, I’m praying that God can help me through this. And I just want to go back to Highline, it’s because the Spirit is working in our lives. And this thing that gets me back on task is not being angry, or yelling, or getting frustrated, or walking out the door or something. You just got to turn to the Lord and let the Lord give you the ability to deal with your anger, right? And help me love my husband well, and help me move past this and give me peace and contentment and help me find joy. And that I don’t have to this to be an ongoing issue.

24:14
Yes, you know, there’s so many things. I’m just trying to think about how do we wrap this up and put a bow on this for our listeners, Linda, because I’m thinking about forgiveness and patience, and then talking to friends and getting help and accountability. There are so many other aspects of this. But you know, maybe we need to draw out some of those things in a future episode. But for now, and for today, I think what we need to do is just in with a question that couples can talk about, because communication, obviously is fundamental to these things that we’re talking about here. Just gotta be able to get to a place where you can communicate, where you can work through an issue with your spouse, and really deal with your anger, confessing if you need To find salutely forgive each other, and move on, love each other and move on.

25:08
Exactly. You just got to get through these kinds of things in your marriage. So, so why do you have more?

25:15
Yep? How do you deal with your anger in a bad way? You know, what are your ungodly responses to anger? You’re in your, in your marriage? What is a toxic response that you have done? And how are you going to grow and improve? These are things that you should be talking about with your spouse, and working through and exploring? It’s going to help make a stronger marriage? And it’s going to help you to work through issues in the future? Yes. Okay.

25:44
And what are ungodly responses to anger in your marriage? Can you identify the ways that you go about dealing with your anger inappropriately with your spouse, and just have a conversation with your spouse about that, or your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, and about really identifying some of the ways that you can improve? If you do point out some toxic things, or you’re not satisfied with, with how you’re reacting?

26:13
Exactly. Linda, start dealing with the issues and working toward a goal. Yes, you know, how are we going to deal with things well, in our anger? In how are we going to use those techniques and, and strategies to build a stronger marriage? And basically just talked about this episode with your spouse? That’s our question. All right. Well, hey, guys, thank you so much for joining us today. And we’ll see you next time. Right here on the Christian point?

26:43
Absolutely. That’s really good. Well, I do think there’s a lot to this, there’s a common challenge that people have, and some really important stuff here that we need to wade through. And we do want you to have our listeners, have y’all think about what you can do to response the next time that, you know, you’re in an angry situation? What was your challenge? And of those challenges? Which are the steps that you’d like to talk about? Would you like to, you know, what do you really need to work on in your marriage? And are you willing to listen? Do you need to concede, and where are you at, and really what needs to grow? And I think that’s all good. So we leg down several steps to take and which step for you, maybe needs some attention. And guys, we really thank you for joining us. And I hope these messages spoke to you guys. We’d love to hear from you. Please write a review. Subscribe, share this podcast through Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, or go to the Christian point.com. And thank you so much for listening to the Christian point was ACA Linda, we’d love to hear your thoughts. And we’d love for you to check out our website, Christian point.com. You can even make a donation there to help us spread this message. If this message helped to you, we’d like to hear your testimony. And we would love to pray over you too. So God’s blessings and peace be with you. And remember, until next time, Christ.

Intro 28:17
Thanks for listening to the Christian point. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and connect with us on Instagram, Facebook, or visit us on the web at the Christian point.com. If you enjoyed the show, please share it with your friends on social media. Until next time, always remember Christ is the point!